Reflecting

Holy Frijol-e! It's been a few months, homies. And by a few months I mean five.  I have like 6 drafts sitting there in my blog queue ready to be published, but for some reason, I haven't been compelled to publish...I've been livin' life I suppose.

Based on the title of this blog it's safe for you to assume that I've been reflecting on this past year... I've been reading through my posts and all I can say is WOW! I can't even believe where I was at just 1 short year ago. I can't believe where my heart was...I seriously was bonkers!! Why didn't y'all let a sista know?!?! Just kidding, I was going through something pretty traumatic shizz; so me being as bonkers as I was, was pretty normal.

 I had to walk through it. I remember all my friends, and all the literature that I read said the same thing: "time will heal all wounds..." and "you have to walk through the pain..." and now that I am on the other side, it couldn't be more true. The pain and the hurt is so far removed from my heart and mind, that it's crazy to think that I went through what I went through. I am free. God is truly ever-faithful, and to Him I owe every ounce of gratitude. My very life has been sustained by Him. He is El Emunah (Hebrew: the Faithful God).

In a mere 8 days "Rey-Day"(my birthday) will be upon us, and I will be 29 years old. So, true to my nature, I shall make a big shebang out of nothing...I am not sure what to title this big shebang, but following are the two runner up titles for said "shebang":

"Journey to 30: ReyRey's 30-item "to do list" before hitting 30"

Or

"30 before 30"

(The second one is quite anti-climactic right?)

Anyway, in one year I must complete all 30 "to do" items from my list of 30. I'll be taking photos and blogging about each after I complete each to-do list. So far, I've come up with 18 items. They are as follows and in no particular order:

1. Visit the Grand Canyon (yes, I live in Arizona and have never been).
2. Try a pole dancing class (what for you ask? No particular reason). Don't tell my ma.
3. Do not weigh myself for 1 year (the scale is my crack and the thought of this is scary)
4. Run a marathon (I hate running, so it might get reduced to 1/2 marathon)
5. Go to an NFL game (I've never been, sounds fun).
6. Sew an outfit and wear it.
7. Kiss a brotha (I don't know, just curious).
8. Take "Pin-up" style photos.
9. Change the oil to my car (no, not like me taking it to jiffy lube. More like me getting under the hood and doing it myself).
10. Go white water rafting.
11. Go snowboarding.
12. Once a quarter, cook an international meal for friends and fam.
13. Sing on stage (besides church stage).
14. Read five classic novels.
15. Go to work (or out in public) without makeup (surely this will be a day of infamy)
16. Take a photo to create a montage of face and how it changes from my 20's into my 30's.
17. Read the entire Bible (I've skipped all the genealogies).
18. Give up a certain vice or addiction for one month, every month (i.e. Facebook in February; Microwave in May)

So, I need your help: if you have an idea, comment here or send me a message. I open for any ideas so long as they are not too expensive, and not something I have done before.

With that my homies, I pray you all have a Happy New Year! I am so excited for 2013. It's going to be a good one! Thanks for walking through this year with me...

ReyRey.

Surrendering

Surrender: Verb.
1. to cease resistance; give up or hand over a person, right or possession; to abandon oneself entirely.

I surrender. I'm in tears. (when am I not you ask...). My life lately has been a labyrinth: do the right thing, do the wrong thing. Choose my way, choose God's way. And I promise (and those of you who know me, I don't promise anything, my word is my bond. My yes is my yes and my no is my no), every single flippin' time I've done things my way, I have been burned, hurt, stuck my foot in my mouth, and my head in my bum. Every single time. I don't know why I've had such a crazy amount of trials that aren't necessarily huge issues to common folk, but to me, when it has to do with the heart, tis always huge.

I have cried so many tears this week over some desires within my heart. I desire to be an amazing wife. I desire to be a mother. I desire to be someone's treasure. I desire to be known. I desire to be romanced. I desire to be someone's number two (because if God is your numba 1 then your wifey/hubby should be number two). I desire to be successful in my field. I desire to be an average weight and healthy. I desire so so much, but all those desires seem to evade me. The last two I can work at, but the others, I can't...if you think about it. What's that song say: "You can't hurry love, oh you'll just have to wait...you gotta trust, give it time, no matter how long it takes," to which I say: say what homegirl?! Diana Ross' mamma is cray.

So, today as I was driving home from the gym, I realized what I already knew but didn't really know...know what I mean? I realized that in making these desires the object of my life's fulfillment, the source of my joy, I'm making myself sad just desiring when I can be doing other things and being happy-while waiting for God to do things in His perfect timing-not mine. These hopes that I have in my heart-of a bright future, a successful job, a loving husband, wonderful kids, a healthy life aren't what will make me happy. Sure, they add to overall happiness in life, but God is the only one who can make me feel full of genuine joy.

These desires that I have are normal, and God given-but I need to train my thought process into being happy with what I have now and making the best of today. Those things that I desire, when I receive them (because I trust I will receive them one day) merely testify to the love of God in how He provides every perfect gift, in His timing, for our good.

So I surrender my desires. I surrender my heart. I surrender my wants. I abandon myself entirely unto the One who has perfect control over everything that concerns me.

I am grateful for today, and for what I have been given today. I will stop looking at what I don't have, and start being joyful for what I do have.  "I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine"

I love this song, it's the song of my heart :')

1. All to Jesus I surrender;
   All to Him I freely give;
   I will ever love and trust Him,
   In His presence daily live.
   • I surrender all,
     I surrender all;
     All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
     I surrender all.
2. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Humbly at His feet I bow,
   Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
   Take me, Jesus, take me now.
3. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
   Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
   Truly know that Thou art mine.
4. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Lord, I give myself to Thee;
   Fill me with Thy love and power;
   Let Thy blessing fall on me.
5. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Now I feel the sacred flame.
   Oh, the joy of full salvation!
   Glory, glory, to His Name!

  

Pleasing

I'm a people pleaser. I find some blessed enjoyment in people liking me or loving me...and when they don't, man does it tear me up...

(For the purposes and the subject of this post, I'm going to omit some parts of this story as I feel it will "open up a whole other can of frijoles"). 

As I was meandering through a local used bookstore there was a lady siting at a table and we struck up a conversation. Mid point through our conversation she said, "You're intimidating and scary. To the insecure person your very intimidating and scary, but to someone like myself, who is secure, you don't intimidate me nor do you scare me. But you also have this side to you that is a "people pleaser." She went on talking and told me stuff like: I love to help people achieve their dreams and goals, that I was a dreamer myself, but that I was also my own hardest critic. She said that she envisioned me carrying a caveman club with spikes and me hitting myself with it-YIPES! Believe me, I found myself thinking, "this lady is coocoo for cocoa puffs," many times. But to be honest, she was right on. I don't think I'm intimidating. Nor do I think I'm scary. Unless you piss me off (which takes a lot, but be unjust, disloyal or hurt those that I love and I will bust out with the slicked back hair, take off the earrings, rub some vaseline on my face and I will float like a butterfly and sting like a bee...ahahaha! Buuuut I digress). Who was this woman?! But she got me thinking; I like to see people happy. It's just part of my personality. If you tell me your biggest, most loftiest, most outrageous dream, I'll be your number one cheerleader. But if let's say, your not happy with me, your unpleased with me, your disappointed with me, you don't want to talk to me, your mad at me, you ignore me, you do anything that equates to me thinking your not happy with me, my self worth goes out the drain. (NOTE: It has to be someone that I care about, is an important figure in my life, or someone that I haven't filed in the "I don't give a darn" file). There are exceptions as well (and as I re-read these exceptions I realized how crazy I sound, but I'm sure many women can relate, that is if they're brave enough to share in this craziness. Please still like me...j/k ): If a guy that I am into isn't into me, my confidence/self worth goes down the drain. If a guy that I am not into, is into me, my confidence/self worth stays the same. But if the same guy that I am not into decides that he is no longer into me, then because of my already low self worth, I go back into wanting him to want me so that my self worth becomes equal to what it was when the guy that I was into, decided he wasn't into me. Ay! Does that make sense? NOTE (numero dos): because I found the last confusing statement about myself to be true, I have decided to end ALL opposite sex relationships. I'll share more about this later.

I don't want my self worth to be hung on the approval of another person. It's idolatry. It's sad how much I care. It's sad to see myself be so desperate for the approval, love and admiration of others. It's just sad. Pathetic.

I want to be pleasing to God. I fail so miserably at it because I'm so worried about what people think about me, or if this man or that man is attracted to me, or if I said the wrong thing or hurt someone's feelings. 

I want to stop looking to men to make me feel pretty, or desired, or wanted.

I want to stop deciding that I feel pretty or ugly/fat based off the numbers I see on the scale.

I want to stop flirting with men just so I can get attention.

I want to stop cooking (for jerks) just so they see what a great cook I am and think that I would be such an amazing girlfriend/wife/whatever. (sooooo manipulative).

I want to stop crossing the line with men just so that they stay in my life.

I want to be free from people and I want to be bound to God.

I realize that I'm sharing a lot of the crappy side of Reyna, and it's scary because I honestly feel that I'll lose someone's respect, or lose a friend, or lose the positive thoughts that such and such person may have of me, but I guess that's why I'm divulging. Because maybe someone can keep me accountable. Maybe someone will call me out. And maybe it'll remind me Who I should aim to please, in everything that I do.

I told you guys earlier that I ended all opposite sex relationships...yep. I told them all that I was not the girl for them and they were not the guy for me. I had to. I was using them to keep my self esteem well ever so slightly full. 

Gosh I am a gross person. 

So this is my goal: to surrender who I am, my actions, my intentions, my desires, my heart, my mind, my thoughts, my secrets, my everything to God and allow Him to shape me. My goal is to cling to Him and what He says about me, and what He thinks about me. I want my well to be full-of Him and no one else. I want to be pleasing to Him.

"Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to You, my Lord, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:4

"Without faith it is impossible to please God." Hebrews 11:6 (may I have faith)

 

Knowing

I've been feeling unknown.

There's a difference between knowing a person and knowing a person. For example, I know who Tim Tebow is and all his wonderful stats (wink wink), but I don't know him like I know one of my best friends. I know that when my best friend taps on her nose, she's thinking. Or when, she's really sleepy but still wants to hang out, she gets quiet but insists on still being around. I know when she's flustered. I know when she is trying to hold back tears. I know her favorite things. I know her favorite ice cream. I know her favorite color. I know her walk. I know her sleeping patterns. Ok, ok I'm starting to sound like a psycho stalker, but I'm trying to make a point: I love her and I love her because I know her.

It still saddens me to this day when I think about the men in my past and how uninterested they were in knowing me. Haha, I know that sounds like I'm tootin' my own horn as if I were so amazing or something...what I mean is, their lack of interest in knowing me should have been my clue that I was just another woman in their little black book. I was another person that meant absolutely nothing to them. I was another person who was optional to them and if I was in or out of their life it was nothing to them. They used me.

I want to make this clear: I don't want to sound like EVERYONE you meet should be the spark of deep and endless romantic (or not) relationship. No no no no no! I can tell you that I am quite picky with friends and if after my first "encounter" with you is well, "eh." I'm gonna drop you like yous hot! And, as far as relationships go, I can't be a picky because let's just be honest, it's not like I have a line of suitors waiting their turn in a long line...in fact there is no line! HAHA! Lame.

I dunno, it just sucks when you expect someone to care, and they don't. It sucks when they tell you that they do care, but their actions are the COMPLETE opposite. I mean, why lie? Why give someone the idea that you care for them only for your actions to prove otherwise? When my ex and I were filing out our divorce documents he said, "you know what's sad, I don't even know your middle name..."

I hope I've learned my lesson: people who don't want to know you, Reyna, don't care. Period.

Moving (forward)

So, I just moved into my new apartment. To be honest it's been bittersweet.

First, I'm scared of being lonely. When I left San Diego I moved straight into my sister's house, and was always around my niece, nephew, sister, brother-in-law, dogs and other people. I never got the chance to be lonely (I am beyond grateful to them, by the way. They were pivotal in my healing...I needed all of them). Whereas in my new apartment, I know that I will encounter loneliness.

But why I am scared of being by myself? Ok let's get it straight, its not like I'm sitting in my knickers in the corner of my room shaking with fear. It's more that I am fearful of feeling all the feelings I felt when I was in San Diego. Fearful of feeling the rejection all over again, the extreme sadness all over again, the wave of love that is unrequited...because undoubtedly, I will think of him, and our failed marriage in the quietness of my apartment.

I'll probably also get thoughts of just being alone (note: I am a loner sometimes...go to the movies by myself, shopping by myself, go out to eat by myself, etc.) like, "you're going to have to get used to the silence in here, Reyna." Or, "Too bad Toby (my dog) can't talk." Or, "wish you could cuddle with someone."

"I've been alone," I tell myself. In Oklahoma when I went to college. When I moved into my first apartment...it's not like I haven't been alone-it's more that I haven't been alone since my divorce (which I am healing from).

sigh.

On the positive side, which I am going to try to focus on, I've gained that which I thought was lost (I thought I would never move forward, I don't know why, but I did) and then some. I realize how faithful God has been to me. My apartment is fantastic! It has EVERYTHING that I need (I had a list of must have's and I got it). It's within my budget, and, and!!!! It's on the first floor-Glory hallelujah! lol.

I was able to purchase a new sofa and bed, and I refurbished an old ROUND (I've always wanted a round table) kitchen table that I found online. These things may seem minimal, but to me, they're great. It's my new start. I'm decorating my apartment with no one in mind except myself. I'm buying things that I like. I'm not caring if another person likes it or not, because I like it and it's mine.

I don't want to look back anymore, (if you haven't read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, you should. Lot's (the main character in this story) wife looks back (I imagine longingly and in sadness) as the city is burning, and homegirl turns into a pillar of salt. Which by the way I know I wont turn into a pillar of salt...). I never want to turn back longing for that which brought me such pain and sadness. I never want to turn back and desire a man who never loved me. I want to face forward knowing that bright days are ahead. I want to look forward chin up and proud knowing that as I rely and trust in God He will continue to bless me, and direct my steps. 

"Surely Your goodness and Your unfailing love will follow me all the days of my life. And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:6

May my new home be a refuge to those who are in pain, a fortress to those who are fearful, and a place of peace to those who seek comfort.

Dreaming

This post, or the contents of this post, are first and foremost dedicated to my God. I am the clay, and He is the potter. I am the sapling and wherever He plants me, I will grow deep roots. Whatever He may choose to "prune" from my life, I willing offer.


Secondly, this post is dedicated to my friend, Michael. We have only know each other a few short weeks, and I think we both know that we are in each other's life for a reason; with that in mind, Michael, you are the only person in my life who has asked me to write about my dreams. You are the only person who has questioned how I will rebuild my life from what seems to be so damaging. And since you've pushed me to dream, I will write and wait on the Lord to do as He wills. Michael, I hope that you will believe in my dreams, and know that I believe in you and yours.


Lastly, to my readers, as absurd or far-fetched or ridiculous my dreams may be, believe with me. I may not get everything that I am dreaming and hoping for but realize it wont make me a failure...it's simply that that dream is not ordained for me. So with that, believe with me.


After that intro I don't know where to start ...


I want to be used by God, somehow. Be it that I serve in my church diligently, or that I have a full-time ministry, I want to serve God. This dream isn't very clear simply because I feel that I have talents in other arenas besides "the church." I have a degree in Communications and Industrial Psychology, I love training and development and I especially love motivating people to best that they can be. So, I feel that this dream is a life-long endeavor and will become clearer as I trustingly continue to follow God's path for me.


I want to be a wife...again. I loved being a wife. I loved loving my husband. I loved serving him. I loved encouraging him. I loved listening to him. I loved hugging him. I loved waiting for him. I loved belonging to him and dedicating myself to him and his dreams. 


I want to love again and I want to be the amazing wife (that I know I was) that I am meant to be.


I want a man to romance me and sweep me off my feet. I want a man who is committed for a lifetime, a man who wants to know me, a man who will fight for me and our marriage, a man who will not give up when things are hard or uncomfortable, a man who will work on his flaws, a man who will love me despite my flaws, a man who will put me in my place, a man who will treasure me, a man who will cherish me, a man who will honor me and his vow, a man who will not cheat, a man who will always place me second to God, and a man who will love God more than anything else in this world.


Plus he needs to be a cutie ;)


*And all my single ladies know that the above is a far fetched dream :)


I want to have a really nice big kitchen so that I can make my loved ones food, and where I can store all my treasures.


I want to be a mother. I say I want six kids, but who knows. But I know that I know I want to enjoy the gift of raising children.


I want to own my own coffee shop. I don't know why, how or where, but I've always wanted one, so there ya go.


I want to have a consulting group, where I can work with other consultants, in my field, and help organizations to work efficiently and profitably.


With the above in mind, I want to love what I do. 


I want to sing and play my gui-tar (southern drawl)...again not sure what that encompasses, but I do know that I love being a part of my Praise and Worship team at church.


I want to own my own home, gut it, and remodel it all on my own. (Remember I said I don't know if all of these dreams will come to pass, because I don't think I can lay tile straight, draw a perfect circle, or much less hang cabinetry.  But hey, I'm dreaming). Along with that I want to plant Magnolia trees on my land.


I want to grow my own vegetables. I am actually a good green thumb (one year I grew, onions, cilantro, radishes, lettuce, spinach and broccoli in my apartment, I was and still am very proud).


I want to have chickens (that don't poop or stink) ha!


I want to own a beautiful 1954 Chevy truck...either cherry red or a pale green and white wall tires...fo' sho.


I want to see my mom walking and living her dreams. Gosh I want this one bad...


I want to see my siblings walking and living their dreams.


I want to see all my nieces and nephews go to college, and hopefully I can pay for them to go to school.


I want my best friends to marry the men of their dreams (that God has prepared for them).


I want to be able to hang out with my best friend Ida, all the time.


I want Marissa and her family to move to Tucson (because I'll probably never move back to San Diego).


I want to be debt free, specifically from student loans! Anyone want to help me with this one? :)


I want to go to Egypt, India, Europe, China, Japan, Russia, Alaska and Harry Potter world.


I want to write a book.


And, I want to have joy my whole long life.


What are some of your dreams?

Apologetic

I feel dumb, yet again. I feel immature. I feel stupid, ridiculous, etc...

I hate the flippin' roller coaster that I am on. I hate it. One day I'm a mess, the next I'm cool as a clam.

I'm sitting here at two in the morning writing this because it is weighing so ridiculously heavy on my heart...to the point that my chest is tight, and my eyes are burning from the tears that I want to shed...

First and foremost, sorry to my ex. (I'm positive he wont ever read this, but I will still address it to him). I shouldn't have called you what I called you. Nor should I ignore the fact that you have many qualities that are so beautiful and priceless and other untapped gifts and abilities, that I believe wholeheartedly, are within you.  You are generous beyond anything. You are a great provider. Self-sacrificing and humble. You are diligent and one of the hardest working men I know. You are intelligent and able. You are a diamond in the rough. And like so many of us, with the proper "pressures" the diamond that you are will one day emerge. I believe it!

Secondly, sorry Lord. I sinned in my anger- in my human desire to be justified. I let my imagination run wild with ridiculous thoughts of warts and a shrinking man....I am a child, immature no doubt. I need to let you be God, and I do not need to worry myself about justice, because You are justice. I'm sorry that I desired wrong for my ex, when in all reality I should only desire and pray for his protection, for his well-being, for his health, for his future, for his heart, for his mind, for his family, for him. I'm sorry, Lord.  I'm sorry for harboring unforgiveness and resentment. I'm sorry for dwelling on the offense and not remembering that I too have been an offender. I'm sorry for pointing the finger, when I too deserve that finger. I'm sorry, Lord. Make my heart pure. May my thoughts and meditations be pleasing to you, Lord.

Last, I'm sorry to my readers. You guys are watching as I fail miserably at walking righteously through the hardest experience of my life. I ask that you have mercy, and I ask that you understand that at times it is most definitely my pain doin' the writing. Thank you for remembering that this is merely my side, my perspective of all this...and remember that my ex has his side too...please be gracious to him and try to not make judgements of him based off of my interpretations (not that you guys know him or anything). Thank you for your comments and your encouraging words. I'm sorry that I fail at maintaining a Christian perspective on things...but I guess that makes us all realize how we all fall short. Thank you for walking through this journey with me.

Ahh, I feel better.

Desiring Justice

Have you ever been wronged? Have you ever felt like all of the good things you did were exactly what caused you to be wronged in the end? Have you ever felt that you were cheated? Gosh, I feel so ridiculous right now! I'm laying on my bed trying to figure out why...I know that I did some things wrong, I know that. But they weren't so wrong that I deserve what I am going through.  I don't deserve the cruelty that I got. I don't deserved someone telling me that if I was in our out of his life he could care less...I never deserved for the one man that I loved to tell me that he never cared about me...I never deserved for the man in which I had placed all my dreams into to tell me that he didn't cherish me...I never deserved for the man that loved and served to tell me the only thing he ever liked about our relationship was that I did everything for him... I never deserved for the man that I loved to continue to have sex with me, yet tell me to not kiss him because he didn't want me...I didn't deserve to be left hanging out in San Diego, all by myself with no family, no job, no marriage and what felt like no future.

Sometimes, and that time is definitely right now, I want to shout it out to the world how I've been wronged. I want to shout out to the world what an asshole my ex was. I want to tell all the women in the world to stay away from this emotionally-unavailable cruel individual! I want to tell everyone how stupid I am for loving this man. God I'm so dumb.

I'll never say his name though, never. I'll never email him, write him, call him-anything to give "a piece of my mind," NEVER.

Sometimes I wish justice were what we wished: I specifically have wished for a giant wart to grow at the end of his nose and that everyone knew this wart meant: this guy is a jerk! Or I wished that for the times he made me feel so little, so insignificant, so worthless, so meaningless, so un-cherished , he would lose an inch of height (When I first married him, to me this man was a giant. So upright, so good, so kind...and now he is the midget that I wish he would become). I know these are so stupid. But I'm laying here in bed, hurting, crying desiring justice...

Is wanting justice evil of me? Is it wrong of me? Am I bitter? Am I not forgiving?

Well for all of us who like to end "critiques" with positives...
At least he serves our country...

Eating

If ever your travels take you to lovely Tucson, AZ, I recommend you visit: The Sausage Deli.


First, this place is too legit...too legit to quit. Second, their sammies are so amazingly mouthwatering, finger-lickin' good, you can never just eat a small sandwich, you have to have the big 8 incher. 

My top choice: The Omar.

This big boy comes with Salami, Turkey & Swiss on an Onion Roll with Bell Pepper, Onion, chopped Pepperoncini Peppers, Mustard & Italian Dressing....it's so dang good!

Look at that big boy! Come to mama!


The Sausage Deli also has a nice vegetarian selection, which looks equally delicioso:

And lastly, check it out the stud muffins that show up to enjoy the great comida...mmhmm, we pretend to take pictures of each other, but are really taking pics of cuties like this guy:

What favorite "creeper" move do you employ to check out cuties?

Hiking

I spent some alone time yesterday in the Santa Rita Mountains. It was gorgeous and oh so relaxing. I had some time to "talk" with God and also some time to reflect and just think in the quietness...

Driving up to Madera Canyon...

Hiking gear is a must! 100 oz Camelback and Chacos.

The beginning of my hike...

You can't really tell but its a long fall...

The woods were getting pretty dense. I kept "hearing" things and "seeing" bears. I'm such a chicken!

I had originally started my hike with the old Chaco's (which btw are the BEST hiking sandal in the world) but the hike was a little more rocky than I imagined.

Snack time!!

Tucson has this great gem and mineral show every year; I went this year and found this gorgeous mother-of-pearl butterfly ring. I've never really been into butterflies because of Mariah Carrey and her butterfly obsession, but this ring is just too gorgeous to pass up. 

 I tried getting shots of myself with the background, but man was I having some troubles.

Catalina Mountains

Where do you go to be alone? To just be quiet and think?

Confessing

So, I'm getting a divorce right? So that means I'm technically single, right? I know, I know, I'm not technically single, If anything I'm still technically married (slight grimace in my face). I'm asking these questions because I guess that regardless of my relational status, this chicka wants to have sex. Yep. I said it. I want to have sex. Sorry, for those of you who are squeamish about the topic, but this is reality. What do all the other "divorcees" do in this situation?! *sigh*


I'm at a loss. So before I got married it was, "you can't have sex before you're married!" When I got married, well...you know. And now that I am still married, but going through a divorce, I'm back to square one. Not even square one, because if I did choose to have sex then I would not only be fornicating I would be committing adultery!!! AHHHHHHH!!!! 


Our culture today would say, "do what you want," or "do what feels good." But really, will me doing what I want really bring "pleasure?" I have a feeling that it wont. It's weird, it's like the whole topic of sex is a double-sided coin. Let me explain:


If I have sex, yes it will feel good, it will be fun, it will be exciting...but it wont be with my husband. It wont be with the man that I made a vow to. It wont be with the man that I promised to be faithful to. It wont be the man that I promised to honor. 


If I don't have sex, yes it will suck (for a while), I'll have to figure other ways to have fun (working out or something), it won't be exciting (go hike up a cliff or go skydiving, Reyna)...but it will honor my vow. It will honor my promise. It will honor my ex (even if he doesn't want me) and most importantly, it will honor God.


Last week, I met this guy...random joe. He was cute, athletic, curly brown hair...ahh so cute. I randomly met him at a local 3 mile track, I was doing my "thang" and he started talking to me, "wha?! A cute, athletic, tall, dark and handsome manly man is noticing me?!" I don't know why I gave him my number (yes, I do, read the sentence above) but I did. So he starts texting me, blah blah blah...but then it goes "there" and by goes "there" I mean, "let's have sex." OMGosh sista needed to take a cold shower!!! (that did not work). So let your imaginations take you where they will, but I sinned. I entertained the idea...I made plans with him for Friday night. And then, AND THEN!!!! I lied to everyone as to what I would be doing Friday night. Plus, I didn't tell anyone about this gorgeous perv... Gosh, I am pathetic. BTW, when you hide something or lie about it, you KNOW you're up to no good. FACT.


Anyway, fast forward to last night, I had set up my web of lies (muahahahahaha), picked out a cute outfit, shaved my legs, etc., styled my hair...but I felt WRETCHED. I felt so horrible. I kept thinking about how I would feel "afterword." I kept thinking about having to hide this Friday night rendezvous from everyone for the rest of my life. I kept thinking about how I was about to dishonor my ex and my vow, and last but certainly not least, God. 


So, to answer your question as to what I did: I ignored his texts and went to bed. *frustrated sigh*


Believe me, I had an original intention of signing, "Why Can't We be Friends," by WAR to this cutie, but, c'mon who am I kidding? I would be singing that song straight to his bed...but I can't do it. I can't. I need to walk above this situation. I need to honor God. I need to! But, I feel super weak. 


So, I need to come up with an action plan:


These are some facts about my situation:


1. I want to have sex.
2. I'm still married.
3. If I have sex I am committing adultery.
4. I want to honor my vow and my God, but I feel weak.
5. I'm still mourning my loss.
6. I'm still hurting.
7. I want to numb the pain. (and if I'm sleeping around with someone else I'm only using him     to give me a temporary numbness). 


Action plan:


1. I don't know how to deal with number one...just don't do it (?) Get an accountability partner.
2. June 8th!!!!!
3. Don't have sex (???)
4. Choose to honor my vow and God...every minute that I am tempted, remember the vow.
5. Mourn the loss, but dust off and move forward.
6. Hurt for a moment, but forgive and move forward.
7. Don't use a person to numb your pain, you jerk-face!!! Walk through the pain and seek God to mend your wounds and heal you completely. Oh, and create boundaries with guy friends that you find yourself "going there" with. 


I'm not perfect and so I'm choosing to share this with you guys because, as I've mentioned before, Christians love to hide their "junk" as if they were perfect. But I feel that in hiding our struggles and faults we aren't helping others or ourselves. So, with that I welcome your ideas and your accountability. Please pray for me friends-that I may be strong and not overcome by my desires.


These are two scriptures that I read this morn:


God said, "My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you." So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses. Then Christ's power can live in me. For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ. Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong. (2 Cor 12:9-10)


"To comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" (Isaiah 61:2-3).

Untitled

Perhaps he did love me, in some way. He chose to marry me, after all…right? Or maybe I was just some dumb girl who loved him and he knew that I would give the world for him, and so he settled. I don’t know.

Our time together, to me, was great because I turned my eyes to what was so obvious. From the start, I noticed that he didn’t give me what I needed. And by “what I needed” I mean: most women want and need emotional support. So let me explain: women (not all) need/want to feel desired, wanted, known, treasured, valued and appreciated. And I never got that. Okay, okay, maybe the first week I was there he told me he would work on spending time with me…

So here I am, in San Diego, I had just left my home, my job, my family, my friends, my church, my bible study group and my city to move and be with the love of my life. I gave up everything. So, as any woman, newlywed that is, I wanted to spend every minute with my new husband. I couldn’t get enough of him. He was “mi rey,” my king, and my desire was to treat him as such and lavish him with love worthy of a king. But it wasn’t reciprocated. I would think, “well, maybe he doesn’t show love outwardly,” or, “he’s really tired so when he comes home and just wants to watch TV, he’s unwinding,” or, “why does Smith (made up name) take his wife out and he works the same shift as my husband? He doesn’t seem to be as tired as my husband.” Yeah, I did it…I compared. I had no idea what marriage to a sailor was supposed to look like. I knew that they (being the men on my husband’s ship) were treated like slaves and they worked incredibly long hours, but how come other sailors and their wives still had time to “be a couple?”

In the time that I was out there (besides the last few days that I was living with him), I think he made himself a sandwich three times, tops. And let me tell you, I am a LEGIT cook. I made him some of my best meals. I don’t think he ever washed his own clothes, unless he was out to sea. I took care of his car repairs, I paid his bills, I paid our bills, our home was clean…brotha man was hooked up! He had it good…or so I thought.

I would invite him to the movies. No. I would want to go to dinner. No. I would want to do something active. No. I wanted flowers. No. I wanted a romantic date. No. I wanted to be told I was his only one. No. I wanted to be told that I was treasured. No. I wanted to be told that I was a great wife. No. I wanted to be appreciated. No. I wanted to be told I was beautiful. No. I wanted to be his pride. No. I wanted to make him happy. No. I wanted to love him for the rest of my life. No.

I remember asking him if he treasured me, and he told me, “no.” He told me that he was more saddened by the departure of a male shipmate, than me leaving him. He told he never cared about me or “our” relationship. He told me he wished he had never kissed me three years ago.  He told me that I was, “too easy.” I was too agreeable…I guess (to which I wonder, what man, in his right mind, would want a contentious, nagging wife?!). He told me that I didn’t understand his dirty jokes (sorry I am not learned in the art of dirty jokes). He told me a lot of things that I lacked, but never noticed the things that I had given and the qualities that I hold.

Yeah, I wanted to be with him, all the time. I had no one else. Yes, I admit, I went through his emails…why you ask? Because I thought he cheated…why else would I be so emotionally neglected? Yep, I went through his phone…why you ask? Because I found pictures of him hugging two different girls, one giving him what seems like a lap dance-and he’s not wearing his wedding ring! I don’t know, I feel justified in my actions, but maybe I’m wrong.

I want to make this clear, however, he was a great provider. Not once did he complain about me not being able to find a job, about paying all of our bills, about being the only source of income. Not once. But I digress…

I really don’t know why I am posting about this…It’s heavy on my heart, I guess. I have a lot of “I don’t know whys” and they’re nagging at me…

I don’t know why he didn’t love me.

I don’t know why he did this to me.

I don’t know why this is happening to me.

I don’t know why I was just a phase to him.

I don’t know why he holds me in contempt.

I don’t know why he was so mean in the end.

I don’t know how someone can be so cruel to me when I only loved.

So somehow, as I sit in this mire, that I chose to put myself in, and through all these “I don’t know whys” God is here. And I have to think; maybe God took me out of that relationship because, in retrospect, it was crappy. I wasn’t treasured, as I should be. I wasn’t desired, as I should be. I wasn’t loved, as I should be. Maybe God took me out because my ex simply wasn’t the one for me…I chose to marry him. I chose to ignore BIG red flags (I’ll tell you some embarrassing yet quite comical stories about this later), I chose him because “I looooooved him.” Well, me looooooving him put me in this mud I am in, and I am NOT having fun.

But God is able to make every wrong, right. God is able to make every crooked path that I have taken, straight. God is able to restore me. God is able to give me back what has been taken. God is able to make me joyful again. God is able to re-inflate my “romance” bubble. God is able, to one day, bless me with a man who actually, really, with all his heart loves me and cherishes me, and treasures me, and appreciates me, and wants me, and values me, and wants to know me, and wants to buy me flowers for no reason, and wants to take me on dates, and wants to romance me, and above all wants to love me for the rest of his life.

God is able.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds...Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit" (Psalm 147:3, 5).

Forgiving???

Let me put this out there as a preface: This is not a "man-bashing" blog. Nor is it a blog for me to talk crap about my ex and what "he did to me" (or didn't do). Yes, I may post about the things he said or did that hurt me, and I may give "my point of view" (remember there are always two sides to a story) but please keep this in mind: Forgiveness is a verb...it is me daily, no, hourly, shoot, minute-by-minute, second-by-second letting go of the past offense, restoring him to "right-standing" in my heart and mind and loving him (the God kinda way). Believe a sista when I say, I am NOT forgetting what has been done! But know that I have chosen to forgive him-for my sake, and most importantly in obedience to Christ.

I’m not going to lie, sometimes I teeter-totter between forgiveness and annoyance; some nights, I’ll lay in my bed and tell God, 

“You know that I used to sleep in this bed with my ex-husband, right?! I hope you get me a new bed soon…”

But then I have myself a nice little pathetic cry…

At other times, I feel good, I don’t think about him all day, I walk with a lil’ swagger in my step…

But then I go home and put on my wedding ring…and cry.

Some day’s I will pray for blessings to be poured over him, protection, peace, joy, love, happiness, satisfaction, contentment, wealth, the world!

But then there are other days and the thought of what he did angers me and I ask God to vindicate me…

And then I cry…some more.

I’ve come up with a list of reasons why I should forgive:

1. God tells me to do so (if we don’t forgive He cant forgive us).
2. If I don’t I’ll be held prisoner to this man who could care less about me.
3. I want to stop hurting and somehow going through the pain and through the process will make me stronger…somehow???
4. I want to move on with my life.
5. I don’t want to be bitter.
6. I want to love again…with all my heart.

I’ve come up with a list of reasons why I shouldn’t forgive:
 …

So here’s the theme: Forgiveness is first and foremost about being obedient to God, but then about choosing to not let the offensive action (words, etc.) have a hold you. Not forgiving literally traps you in that moment in time, with that person in time, and keeps you there until you’ve let bitterness take root in your heart and hatred blossoms. Who would want all that junk growing in their heart?! Not me! And really, what does all the bitterness and hatred do for you? Does it change the situation? No! Does it change the other person’s heart? No! It does ABSOLUTELY nothing but make you sick!

So with that I say-forgive homies. Forgive.

Calm

Tuesday: Calm. This morning I woke up listening to these three beautiful sirens from Liverpool. Their voices have me mesmerized. Think Homer and the Odyssey mesmerized... Enjoy! This movie will definitely be a favorite. Do you ever wish you could go on an adventure? If so, where? And what would you do?

Grieving

Grieving:"deep sorrow that is caused by someone's death." Yikes! The meaning seems so...finite, so unreal, and I can't believe that I feel that way over my ex. And this evening, it hit me, I feel that way about "his family" too. I talked to one of his family members today and it seriously felt like I was pouring salt over a wound. Or better yet, ripping off a scab, pouring salt over the wound and then I don't know, make up some other wretched action that you could think of that would make a wound hurt even more...yep, I am grieving the loss of some beautiful people, and a man that I will always hold a special place in my heart for...always.

When you get divorced, not only are you losing someone who you love, but you also lose "their" side of the family too. For some marrieds, they hate or dislike the in-laws or the "other side" of the family, but I didn't. These people were to me as if I had loved them my whole life. If you don't know me, this is one truth about me...I love! And I love with all my heart and abilities and there is no holding back. I will fight to the death for those whom I have cherished in my inner being. And that is the case with my ex and his family. But they're gone. No, not physically, but emotionally. The cords and the nets that I had cast over them have been torn from my heart. These people, ex included, were a prize to me, something to be treasured, and I now grieve for them-because they are gone.

Yes, I have my own family-and they are more precious to me than, geeze, everything (2nd to God). But when their is no distinction, no categorization (i.e. my family, your family) of love, it boils down to me losing "my family."

And through all this, here is one truth in which I must grow roots:

I am accepted in the Beloved (God's family). And although I have "lost" some precious people, God and His children are my family, and I will cast my nets and tie my cords around those who are in my life. I will love them deeply and unconditionally-without restraint. And if I lose again, I lose again, but have the satisfaction that I have loved.

My ex and his family, whom I have cherished, were in my life for a season. That season is now over, but I will forever cherish and thank God for the time that I was honored to be a part of "their" family.

"I cry to you, Lord, for help. You are my refuge. You are all I have in the land of the living. Hear my cry because I’ve been brought down so low!" (Psalm 142:5-6).

Content, right now?! Me?!

I've learned that "journaling" is beneficial both physically and psychologically. Studies show that journaling (expressive writing) decreases stress-related doctor visits, reduces blood pressure, improves mood, helps individuals to "step-back" and evaluate a traumatic situation objectively, etc., etc. And for some strange reason, I've decided to put my "junk" out there. I suppose that in writing 1. I will benefit somehow (see above list) and 2. Perhaps my "junk" and my walks through the "valley" will help others while they are walking through their valley and sorting/throwing out their "junk". (Not that I want this blog to be me ranting, or crying, or wallowing in the past, because from day-to-day my mood changes, but more so, I want to share my life and perhaps hold someone's hand as they walk through their life's journey).

I start tonight, by talking about my adjective for the day: content. So for today, this is, "The Diary of a Content Mexican Woman."

I started today by weighing myself on that wretched thing called the scale. I don't know why I do it, but I do it everyday. It's like I'm on crack or something. Seriously, if I don't know how much I weigh everyday, I start tweaking out and my lips turn blue...ok, ok, it's not that bad, but pretty close. My weight is constantly on my mind and I think that most of the time it affects my daily "adjective." For example, today for most of the day, this day's adjective would be "fat." I hate that I base one of my daily adjectives on that number, but I do. So there. But later down in this post you'll find out why I changed it to content-so stay tuned homies.

To the good stuff!

It's bed time and I am reflecting on my day, and I've decided this is why I am content: The man that I absolutely loved, no adored, decided he didn't love me and asked me to leave his life by divorcing me. His reasons, I don't know them all, and I don't understand it all and I wish that I wasn't suffering the way that I am. I feel like I have been emotionally kicked, beaten down, spit on, rejected and at the root, been told that I am not enough. The pain of it all is unimaginable at times.

Before the big D (the day he told me he wanted a divorce), I knew that I was a pretty good person and had some good qualities, (I think we all tell ourselves that), but, sadly, how I really "felt" or "perceived" myself was what "he" thought about me. I didn't have a solid identity (sheesh! A 27 year old dealing with identity issues!?!). Sure, I was a "Christian", "educated","friendly", "nice", "loving", etc., but what do all the "adjectives" mean when they aren't grounded on something that is solid? I mean, so what? You're a Christian, aaaand? So what? You're educated, aaaaand? What do they all mean? What or who do they benefit? Go on, keep giving yourself your pretty little qualities, if that makes you feel better, Reyna. See at the root, I don't know who I am, what I am doing with my life, or what the heck is going on in my life...but I now know this: God made me the way that I am, and He loves me, the way that I am. And accepts me, the way that I am. And cherishes me, the way that I am. And even though "humanity" might reject me, and who I am, God doesn't. I need to work at growing roots in THAT truth-and nothing else. What I may think, "he" may think, or another "he" may think is fine and dandy, but in the scheme of all things, the only adjective that should matter is that I am His (possessive adjective) Reyna, and no one else's, and with that, I am content