Dreaming

This post, or the contents of this post, are first and foremost dedicated to my God. I am the clay, and He is the potter. I am the sapling and wherever He plants me, I will grow deep roots. Whatever He may choose to "prune" from my life, I willing offer.


Secondly, this post is dedicated to my friend, Michael. We have only know each other a few short weeks, and I think we both know that we are in each other's life for a reason; with that in mind, Michael, you are the only person in my life who has asked me to write about my dreams. You are the only person who has questioned how I will rebuild my life from what seems to be so damaging. And since you've pushed me to dream, I will write and wait on the Lord to do as He wills. Michael, I hope that you will believe in my dreams, and know that I believe in you and yours.


Lastly, to my readers, as absurd or far-fetched or ridiculous my dreams may be, believe with me. I may not get everything that I am dreaming and hoping for but realize it wont make me a failure...it's simply that that dream is not ordained for me. So with that, believe with me.


After that intro I don't know where to start ...


I want to be used by God, somehow. Be it that I serve in my church diligently, or that I have a full-time ministry, I want to serve God. This dream isn't very clear simply because I feel that I have talents in other arenas besides "the church." I have a degree in Communications and Industrial Psychology, I love training and development and I especially love motivating people to best that they can be. So, I feel that this dream is a life-long endeavor and will become clearer as I trustingly continue to follow God's path for me.


I want to be a wife...again. I loved being a wife. I loved loving my husband. I loved serving him. I loved encouraging him. I loved listening to him. I loved hugging him. I loved waiting for him. I loved belonging to him and dedicating myself to him and his dreams. 


I want to love again and I want to be the amazing wife (that I know I was) that I am meant to be.


I want a man to romance me and sweep me off my feet. I want a man who is committed for a lifetime, a man who wants to know me, a man who will fight for me and our marriage, a man who will not give up when things are hard or uncomfortable, a man who will work on his flaws, a man who will love me despite my flaws, a man who will put me in my place, a man who will treasure me, a man who will cherish me, a man who will honor me and his vow, a man who will not cheat, a man who will always place me second to God, and a man who will love God more than anything else in this world.


Plus he needs to be a cutie ;)


*And all my single ladies know that the above is a far fetched dream :)


I want to have a really nice big kitchen so that I can make my loved ones food, and where I can store all my treasures.


I want to be a mother. I say I want six kids, but who knows. But I know that I know I want to enjoy the gift of raising children.


I want to own my own coffee shop. I don't know why, how or where, but I've always wanted one, so there ya go.


I want to have a consulting group, where I can work with other consultants, in my field, and help organizations to work efficiently and profitably.


With the above in mind, I want to love what I do. 


I want to sing and play my gui-tar (southern drawl)...again not sure what that encompasses, but I do know that I love being a part of my Praise and Worship team at church.


I want to own my own home, gut it, and remodel it all on my own. (Remember I said I don't know if all of these dreams will come to pass, because I don't think I can lay tile straight, draw a perfect circle, or much less hang cabinetry.  But hey, I'm dreaming). Along with that I want to plant Magnolia trees on my land.


I want to grow my own vegetables. I am actually a good green thumb (one year I grew, onions, cilantro, radishes, lettuce, spinach and broccoli in my apartment, I was and still am very proud).


I want to have chickens (that don't poop or stink) ha!


I want to own a beautiful 1954 Chevy truck...either cherry red or a pale green and white wall tires...fo' sho.


I want to see my mom walking and living her dreams. Gosh I want this one bad...


I want to see my siblings walking and living their dreams.


I want to see all my nieces and nephews go to college, and hopefully I can pay for them to go to school.


I want my best friends to marry the men of their dreams (that God has prepared for them).


I want to be able to hang out with my best friend Ida, all the time.


I want Marissa and her family to move to Tucson (because I'll probably never move back to San Diego).


I want to be debt free, specifically from student loans! Anyone want to help me with this one? :)


I want to go to Egypt, India, Europe, China, Japan, Russia, Alaska and Harry Potter world.


I want to write a book.


And, I want to have joy my whole long life.


What are some of your dreams?

Apologetic

I feel dumb, yet again. I feel immature. I feel stupid, ridiculous, etc...

I hate the flippin' roller coaster that I am on. I hate it. One day I'm a mess, the next I'm cool as a clam.

I'm sitting here at two in the morning writing this because it is weighing so ridiculously heavy on my heart...to the point that my chest is tight, and my eyes are burning from the tears that I want to shed...

First and foremost, sorry to my ex. (I'm positive he wont ever read this, but I will still address it to him). I shouldn't have called you what I called you. Nor should I ignore the fact that you have many qualities that are so beautiful and priceless and other untapped gifts and abilities, that I believe wholeheartedly, are within you.  You are generous beyond anything. You are a great provider. Self-sacrificing and humble. You are diligent and one of the hardest working men I know. You are intelligent and able. You are a diamond in the rough. And like so many of us, with the proper "pressures" the diamond that you are will one day emerge. I believe it!

Secondly, sorry Lord. I sinned in my anger- in my human desire to be justified. I let my imagination run wild with ridiculous thoughts of warts and a shrinking man....I am a child, immature no doubt. I need to let you be God, and I do not need to worry myself about justice, because You are justice. I'm sorry that I desired wrong for my ex, when in all reality I should only desire and pray for his protection, for his well-being, for his health, for his future, for his heart, for his mind, for his family, for him. I'm sorry, Lord.  I'm sorry for harboring unforgiveness and resentment. I'm sorry for dwelling on the offense and not remembering that I too have been an offender. I'm sorry for pointing the finger, when I too deserve that finger. I'm sorry, Lord. Make my heart pure. May my thoughts and meditations be pleasing to you, Lord.

Last, I'm sorry to my readers. You guys are watching as I fail miserably at walking righteously through the hardest experience of my life. I ask that you have mercy, and I ask that you understand that at times it is most definitely my pain doin' the writing. Thank you for remembering that this is merely my side, my perspective of all this...and remember that my ex has his side too...please be gracious to him and try to not make judgements of him based off of my interpretations (not that you guys know him or anything). Thank you for your comments and your encouraging words. I'm sorry that I fail at maintaining a Christian perspective on things...but I guess that makes us all realize how we all fall short. Thank you for walking through this journey with me.

Ahh, I feel better.

Desiring Justice

Have you ever been wronged? Have you ever felt like all of the good things you did were exactly what caused you to be wronged in the end? Have you ever felt that you were cheated? Gosh, I feel so ridiculous right now! I'm laying on my bed trying to figure out why...I know that I did some things wrong, I know that. But they weren't so wrong that I deserve what I am going through.  I don't deserve the cruelty that I got. I don't deserved someone telling me that if I was in our out of his life he could care less...I never deserved for the one man that I loved to tell me that he never cared about me...I never deserved for the man in which I had placed all my dreams into to tell me that he didn't cherish me...I never deserved for the man that loved and served to tell me the only thing he ever liked about our relationship was that I did everything for him... I never deserved for the man that I loved to continue to have sex with me, yet tell me to not kiss him because he didn't want me...I didn't deserve to be left hanging out in San Diego, all by myself with no family, no job, no marriage and what felt like no future.

Sometimes, and that time is definitely right now, I want to shout it out to the world how I've been wronged. I want to shout out to the world what an asshole my ex was. I want to tell all the women in the world to stay away from this emotionally-unavailable cruel individual! I want to tell everyone how stupid I am for loving this man. God I'm so dumb.

I'll never say his name though, never. I'll never email him, write him, call him-anything to give "a piece of my mind," NEVER.

Sometimes I wish justice were what we wished: I specifically have wished for a giant wart to grow at the end of his nose and that everyone knew this wart meant: this guy is a jerk! Or I wished that for the times he made me feel so little, so insignificant, so worthless, so meaningless, so un-cherished , he would lose an inch of height (When I first married him, to me this man was a giant. So upright, so good, so kind...and now he is the midget that I wish he would become). I know these are so stupid. But I'm laying here in bed, hurting, crying desiring justice...

Is wanting justice evil of me? Is it wrong of me? Am I bitter? Am I not forgiving?

Well for all of us who like to end "critiques" with positives...
At least he serves our country...