Pleasing

I'm a people pleaser. I find some blessed enjoyment in people liking me or loving me...and when they don't, man does it tear me up...

(For the purposes and the subject of this post, I'm going to omit some parts of this story as I feel it will "open up a whole other can of frijoles"). 

As I was meandering through a local used bookstore there was a lady siting at a table and we struck up a conversation. Mid point through our conversation she said, "You're intimidating and scary. To the insecure person your very intimidating and scary, but to someone like myself, who is secure, you don't intimidate me nor do you scare me. But you also have this side to you that is a "people pleaser." She went on talking and told me stuff like: I love to help people achieve their dreams and goals, that I was a dreamer myself, but that I was also my own hardest critic. She said that she envisioned me carrying a caveman club with spikes and me hitting myself with it-YIPES! Believe me, I found myself thinking, "this lady is coocoo for cocoa puffs," many times. But to be honest, she was right on. I don't think I'm intimidating. Nor do I think I'm scary. Unless you piss me off (which takes a lot, but be unjust, disloyal or hurt those that I love and I will bust out with the slicked back hair, take off the earrings, rub some vaseline on my face and I will float like a butterfly and sting like a bee...ahahaha! Buuuut I digress). Who was this woman?! But she got me thinking; I like to see people happy. It's just part of my personality. If you tell me your biggest, most loftiest, most outrageous dream, I'll be your number one cheerleader. But if let's say, your not happy with me, your unpleased with me, your disappointed with me, you don't want to talk to me, your mad at me, you ignore me, you do anything that equates to me thinking your not happy with me, my self worth goes out the drain. (NOTE: It has to be someone that I care about, is an important figure in my life, or someone that I haven't filed in the "I don't give a darn" file). There are exceptions as well (and as I re-read these exceptions I realized how crazy I sound, but I'm sure many women can relate, that is if they're brave enough to share in this craziness. Please still like me...j/k ): If a guy that I am into isn't into me, my confidence/self worth goes down the drain. If a guy that I am not into, is into me, my confidence/self worth stays the same. But if the same guy that I am not into decides that he is no longer into me, then because of my already low self worth, I go back into wanting him to want me so that my self worth becomes equal to what it was when the guy that I was into, decided he wasn't into me. Ay! Does that make sense? NOTE (numero dos): because I found the last confusing statement about myself to be true, I have decided to end ALL opposite sex relationships. I'll share more about this later.

I don't want my self worth to be hung on the approval of another person. It's idolatry. It's sad how much I care. It's sad to see myself be so desperate for the approval, love and admiration of others. It's just sad. Pathetic.

I want to be pleasing to God. I fail so miserably at it because I'm so worried about what people think about me, or if this man or that man is attracted to me, or if I said the wrong thing or hurt someone's feelings. 

I want to stop looking to men to make me feel pretty, or desired, or wanted.

I want to stop deciding that I feel pretty or ugly/fat based off the numbers I see on the scale.

I want to stop flirting with men just so I can get attention.

I want to stop cooking (for jerks) just so they see what a great cook I am and think that I would be such an amazing girlfriend/wife/whatever. (sooooo manipulative).

I want to stop crossing the line with men just so that they stay in my life.

I want to be free from people and I want to be bound to God.

I realize that I'm sharing a lot of the crappy side of Reyna, and it's scary because I honestly feel that I'll lose someone's respect, or lose a friend, or lose the positive thoughts that such and such person may have of me, but I guess that's why I'm divulging. Because maybe someone can keep me accountable. Maybe someone will call me out. And maybe it'll remind me Who I should aim to please, in everything that I do.

I told you guys earlier that I ended all opposite sex relationships...yep. I told them all that I was not the girl for them and they were not the guy for me. I had to. I was using them to keep my self esteem well ever so slightly full. 

Gosh I am a gross person. 

So this is my goal: to surrender who I am, my actions, my intentions, my desires, my heart, my mind, my thoughts, my secrets, my everything to God and allow Him to shape me. My goal is to cling to Him and what He says about me, and what He thinks about me. I want my well to be full-of Him and no one else. I want to be pleasing to Him.

"Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to You, my Lord, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:4

"Without faith it is impossible to please God." Hebrews 11:6 (may I have faith)

 

Knowing

I've been feeling unknown.

There's a difference between knowing a person and knowing a person. For example, I know who Tim Tebow is and all his wonderful stats (wink wink), but I don't know him like I know one of my best friends. I know that when my best friend taps on her nose, she's thinking. Or when, she's really sleepy but still wants to hang out, she gets quiet but insists on still being around. I know when she's flustered. I know when she is trying to hold back tears. I know her favorite things. I know her favorite ice cream. I know her favorite color. I know her walk. I know her sleeping patterns. Ok, ok I'm starting to sound like a psycho stalker, but I'm trying to make a point: I love her and I love her because I know her.

It still saddens me to this day when I think about the men in my past and how uninterested they were in knowing me. Haha, I know that sounds like I'm tootin' my own horn as if I were so amazing or something...what I mean is, their lack of interest in knowing me should have been my clue that I was just another woman in their little black book. I was another person that meant absolutely nothing to them. I was another person who was optional to them and if I was in or out of their life it was nothing to them. They used me.

I want to make this clear: I don't want to sound like EVERYONE you meet should be the spark of deep and endless romantic (or not) relationship. No no no no no! I can tell you that I am quite picky with friends and if after my first "encounter" with you is well, "eh." I'm gonna drop you like yous hot! And, as far as relationships go, I can't be a picky because let's just be honest, it's not like I have a line of suitors waiting their turn in a long line...in fact there is no line! HAHA! Lame.

I dunno, it just sucks when you expect someone to care, and they don't. It sucks when they tell you that they do care, but their actions are the COMPLETE opposite. I mean, why lie? Why give someone the idea that you care for them only for your actions to prove otherwise? When my ex and I were filing out our divorce documents he said, "you know what's sad, I don't even know your middle name..."

I hope I've learned my lesson: people who don't want to know you, Reyna, don't care. Period.