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Perhaps he did love me, in some way. He chose to marry me, after all…right? Or maybe I was just some dumb girl who loved him and he knew that I would give the world for him, and so he settled. I don’t know.

Our time together, to me, was great because I turned my eyes to what was so obvious. From the start, I noticed that he didn’t give me what I needed. And by “what I needed” I mean: most women want and need emotional support. So let me explain: women (not all) need/want to feel desired, wanted, known, treasured, valued and appreciated. And I never got that. Okay, okay, maybe the first week I was there he told me he would work on spending time with me…

So here I am, in San Diego, I had just left my home, my job, my family, my friends, my church, my bible study group and my city to move and be with the love of my life. I gave up everything. So, as any woman, newlywed that is, I wanted to spend every minute with my new husband. I couldn’t get enough of him. He was “mi rey,” my king, and my desire was to treat him as such and lavish him with love worthy of a king. But it wasn’t reciprocated. I would think, “well, maybe he doesn’t show love outwardly,” or, “he’s really tired so when he comes home and just wants to watch TV, he’s unwinding,” or, “why does Smith (made up name) take his wife out and he works the same shift as my husband? He doesn’t seem to be as tired as my husband.” Yeah, I did it…I compared. I had no idea what marriage to a sailor was supposed to look like. I knew that they (being the men on my husband’s ship) were treated like slaves and they worked incredibly long hours, but how come other sailors and their wives still had time to “be a couple?”

In the time that I was out there (besides the last few days that I was living with him), I think he made himself a sandwich three times, tops. And let me tell you, I am a LEGIT cook. I made him some of my best meals. I don’t think he ever washed his own clothes, unless he was out to sea. I took care of his car repairs, I paid his bills, I paid our bills, our home was clean…brotha man was hooked up! He had it good…or so I thought.

I would invite him to the movies. No. I would want to go to dinner. No. I would want to do something active. No. I wanted flowers. No. I wanted a romantic date. No. I wanted to be told I was his only one. No. I wanted to be told that I was treasured. No. I wanted to be told that I was a great wife. No. I wanted to be appreciated. No. I wanted to be told I was beautiful. No. I wanted to be his pride. No. I wanted to make him happy. No. I wanted to love him for the rest of my life. No.

I remember asking him if he treasured me, and he told me, “no.” He told me that he was more saddened by the departure of a male shipmate, than me leaving him. He told he never cared about me or “our” relationship. He told me he wished he had never kissed me three years ago.  He told me that I was, “too easy.” I was too agreeable…I guess (to which I wonder, what man, in his right mind, would want a contentious, nagging wife?!). He told me that I didn’t understand his dirty jokes (sorry I am not learned in the art of dirty jokes). He told me a lot of things that I lacked, but never noticed the things that I had given and the qualities that I hold.

Yeah, I wanted to be with him, all the time. I had no one else. Yes, I admit, I went through his emails…why you ask? Because I thought he cheated…why else would I be so emotionally neglected? Yep, I went through his phone…why you ask? Because I found pictures of him hugging two different girls, one giving him what seems like a lap dance-and he’s not wearing his wedding ring! I don’t know, I feel justified in my actions, but maybe I’m wrong.

I want to make this clear, however, he was a great provider. Not once did he complain about me not being able to find a job, about paying all of our bills, about being the only source of income. Not once. But I digress…

I really don’t know why I am posting about this…It’s heavy on my heart, I guess. I have a lot of “I don’t know whys” and they’re nagging at me…

I don’t know why he didn’t love me.

I don’t know why he did this to me.

I don’t know why this is happening to me.

I don’t know why I was just a phase to him.

I don’t know why he holds me in contempt.

I don’t know why he was so mean in the end.

I don’t know how someone can be so cruel to me when I only loved.

So somehow, as I sit in this mire, that I chose to put myself in, and through all these “I don’t know whys” God is here. And I have to think; maybe God took me out of that relationship because, in retrospect, it was crappy. I wasn’t treasured, as I should be. I wasn’t desired, as I should be. I wasn’t loved, as I should be. Maybe God took me out because my ex simply wasn’t the one for me…I chose to marry him. I chose to ignore BIG red flags (I’ll tell you some embarrassing yet quite comical stories about this later), I chose him because “I looooooved him.” Well, me looooooving him put me in this mud I am in, and I am NOT having fun.

But God is able to make every wrong, right. God is able to make every crooked path that I have taken, straight. God is able to restore me. God is able to give me back what has been taken. God is able to make me joyful again. God is able to re-inflate my “romance” bubble. God is able, to one day, bless me with a man who actually, really, with all his heart loves me and cherishes me, and treasures me, and appreciates me, and wants me, and values me, and wants to know me, and wants to buy me flowers for no reason, and wants to take me on dates, and wants to romance me, and above all wants to love me for the rest of his life.

God is able.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds...Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit" (Psalm 147:3, 5).