Reflecting

Holy Frijol-e! It's been a few months, homies. And by a few months I mean five.  I have like 6 drafts sitting there in my blog queue ready to be published, but for some reason, I haven't been compelled to publish...I've been livin' life I suppose.

Based on the title of this blog it's safe for you to assume that I've been reflecting on this past year... I've been reading through my posts and all I can say is WOW! I can't even believe where I was at just 1 short year ago. I can't believe where my heart was...I seriously was bonkers!! Why didn't y'all let a sista know?!?! Just kidding, I was going through something pretty traumatic shizz; so me being as bonkers as I was, was pretty normal.

 I had to walk through it. I remember all my friends, and all the literature that I read said the same thing: "time will heal all wounds..." and "you have to walk through the pain..." and now that I am on the other side, it couldn't be more true. The pain and the hurt is so far removed from my heart and mind, that it's crazy to think that I went through what I went through. I am free. God is truly ever-faithful, and to Him I owe every ounce of gratitude. My very life has been sustained by Him. He is El Emunah (Hebrew: the Faithful God).

In a mere 8 days "Rey-Day"(my birthday) will be upon us, and I will be 29 years old. So, true to my nature, I shall make a big shebang out of nothing...I am not sure what to title this big shebang, but following are the two runner up titles for said "shebang":

"Journey to 30: ReyRey's 30-item "to do list" before hitting 30"

Or

"30 before 30"

(The second one is quite anti-climactic right?)

Anyway, in one year I must complete all 30 "to do" items from my list of 30. I'll be taking photos and blogging about each after I complete each to-do list. So far, I've come up with 18 items. They are as follows and in no particular order:

1. Visit the Grand Canyon (yes, I live in Arizona and have never been).
2. Try a pole dancing class (what for you ask? No particular reason). Don't tell my ma.
3. Do not weigh myself for 1 year (the scale is my crack and the thought of this is scary)
4. Run a marathon (I hate running, so it might get reduced to 1/2 marathon)
5. Go to an NFL game (I've never been, sounds fun).
6. Sew an outfit and wear it.
7. Kiss a brotha (I don't know, just curious).
8. Take "Pin-up" style photos.
9. Change the oil to my car (no, not like me taking it to jiffy lube. More like me getting under the hood and doing it myself).
10. Go white water rafting.
11. Go snowboarding.
12. Once a quarter, cook an international meal for friends and fam.
13. Sing on stage (besides church stage).
14. Read five classic novels.
15. Go to work (or out in public) without makeup (surely this will be a day of infamy)
16. Take a photo to create a montage of face and how it changes from my 20's into my 30's.
17. Read the entire Bible (I've skipped all the genealogies).
18. Give up a certain vice or addiction for one month, every month (i.e. Facebook in February; Microwave in May)

So, I need your help: if you have an idea, comment here or send me a message. I open for any ideas so long as they are not too expensive, and not something I have done before.

With that my homies, I pray you all have a Happy New Year! I am so excited for 2013. It's going to be a good one! Thanks for walking through this year with me...

ReyRey.

Surrendering

Surrender: Verb.
1. to cease resistance; give up or hand over a person, right or possession; to abandon oneself entirely.

I surrender. I'm in tears. (when am I not you ask...). My life lately has been a labyrinth: do the right thing, do the wrong thing. Choose my way, choose God's way. And I promise (and those of you who know me, I don't promise anything, my word is my bond. My yes is my yes and my no is my no), every single flippin' time I've done things my way, I have been burned, hurt, stuck my foot in my mouth, and my head in my bum. Every single time. I don't know why I've had such a crazy amount of trials that aren't necessarily huge issues to common folk, but to me, when it has to do with the heart, tis always huge.

I have cried so many tears this week over some desires within my heart. I desire to be an amazing wife. I desire to be a mother. I desire to be someone's treasure. I desire to be known. I desire to be romanced. I desire to be someone's number two (because if God is your numba 1 then your wifey/hubby should be number two). I desire to be successful in my field. I desire to be an average weight and healthy. I desire so so much, but all those desires seem to evade me. The last two I can work at, but the others, I can't...if you think about it. What's that song say: "You can't hurry love, oh you'll just have to wait...you gotta trust, give it time, no matter how long it takes," to which I say: say what homegirl?! Diana Ross' mamma is cray.

So, today as I was driving home from the gym, I realized what I already knew but didn't really know...know what I mean? I realized that in making these desires the object of my life's fulfillment, the source of my joy, I'm making myself sad just desiring when I can be doing other things and being happy-while waiting for God to do things in His perfect timing-not mine. These hopes that I have in my heart-of a bright future, a successful job, a loving husband, wonderful kids, a healthy life aren't what will make me happy. Sure, they add to overall happiness in life, but God is the only one who can make me feel full of genuine joy.

These desires that I have are normal, and God given-but I need to train my thought process into being happy with what I have now and making the best of today. Those things that I desire, when I receive them (because I trust I will receive them one day) merely testify to the love of God in how He provides every perfect gift, in His timing, for our good.

So I surrender my desires. I surrender my heart. I surrender my wants. I abandon myself entirely unto the One who has perfect control over everything that concerns me.

I am grateful for today, and for what I have been given today. I will stop looking at what I don't have, and start being joyful for what I do have.  "I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine"

I love this song, it's the song of my heart :')

1. All to Jesus I surrender;
   All to Him I freely give;
   I will ever love and trust Him,
   In His presence daily live.
   • I surrender all,
     I surrender all;
     All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
     I surrender all.
2. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Humbly at His feet I bow,
   Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
   Take me, Jesus, take me now.
3. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
   Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
   Truly know that Thou art mine.
4. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Lord, I give myself to Thee;
   Fill me with Thy love and power;
   Let Thy blessing fall on me.
5. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Now I feel the sacred flame.
   Oh, the joy of full salvation!
   Glory, glory, to His Name!

  

Pleasing

I'm a people pleaser. I find some blessed enjoyment in people liking me or loving me...and when they don't, man does it tear me up...

(For the purposes and the subject of this post, I'm going to omit some parts of this story as I feel it will "open up a whole other can of frijoles"). 

As I was meandering through a local used bookstore there was a lady siting at a table and we struck up a conversation. Mid point through our conversation she said, "You're intimidating and scary. To the insecure person your very intimidating and scary, but to someone like myself, who is secure, you don't intimidate me nor do you scare me. But you also have this side to you that is a "people pleaser." She went on talking and told me stuff like: I love to help people achieve their dreams and goals, that I was a dreamer myself, but that I was also my own hardest critic. She said that she envisioned me carrying a caveman club with spikes and me hitting myself with it-YIPES! Believe me, I found myself thinking, "this lady is coocoo for cocoa puffs," many times. But to be honest, she was right on. I don't think I'm intimidating. Nor do I think I'm scary. Unless you piss me off (which takes a lot, but be unjust, disloyal or hurt those that I love and I will bust out with the slicked back hair, take off the earrings, rub some vaseline on my face and I will float like a butterfly and sting like a bee...ahahaha! Buuuut I digress). Who was this woman?! But she got me thinking; I like to see people happy. It's just part of my personality. If you tell me your biggest, most loftiest, most outrageous dream, I'll be your number one cheerleader. But if let's say, your not happy with me, your unpleased with me, your disappointed with me, you don't want to talk to me, your mad at me, you ignore me, you do anything that equates to me thinking your not happy with me, my self worth goes out the drain. (NOTE: It has to be someone that I care about, is an important figure in my life, or someone that I haven't filed in the "I don't give a darn" file). There are exceptions as well (and as I re-read these exceptions I realized how crazy I sound, but I'm sure many women can relate, that is if they're brave enough to share in this craziness. Please still like me...j/k ): If a guy that I am into isn't into me, my confidence/self worth goes down the drain. If a guy that I am not into, is into me, my confidence/self worth stays the same. But if the same guy that I am not into decides that he is no longer into me, then because of my already low self worth, I go back into wanting him to want me so that my self worth becomes equal to what it was when the guy that I was into, decided he wasn't into me. Ay! Does that make sense? NOTE (numero dos): because I found the last confusing statement about myself to be true, I have decided to end ALL opposite sex relationships. I'll share more about this later.

I don't want my self worth to be hung on the approval of another person. It's idolatry. It's sad how much I care. It's sad to see myself be so desperate for the approval, love and admiration of others. It's just sad. Pathetic.

I want to be pleasing to God. I fail so miserably at it because I'm so worried about what people think about me, or if this man or that man is attracted to me, or if I said the wrong thing or hurt someone's feelings. 

I want to stop looking to men to make me feel pretty, or desired, or wanted.

I want to stop deciding that I feel pretty or ugly/fat based off the numbers I see on the scale.

I want to stop flirting with men just so I can get attention.

I want to stop cooking (for jerks) just so they see what a great cook I am and think that I would be such an amazing girlfriend/wife/whatever. (sooooo manipulative).

I want to stop crossing the line with men just so that they stay in my life.

I want to be free from people and I want to be bound to God.

I realize that I'm sharing a lot of the crappy side of Reyna, and it's scary because I honestly feel that I'll lose someone's respect, or lose a friend, or lose the positive thoughts that such and such person may have of me, but I guess that's why I'm divulging. Because maybe someone can keep me accountable. Maybe someone will call me out. And maybe it'll remind me Who I should aim to please, in everything that I do.

I told you guys earlier that I ended all opposite sex relationships...yep. I told them all that I was not the girl for them and they were not the guy for me. I had to. I was using them to keep my self esteem well ever so slightly full. 

Gosh I am a gross person. 

So this is my goal: to surrender who I am, my actions, my intentions, my desires, my heart, my mind, my thoughts, my secrets, my everything to God and allow Him to shape me. My goal is to cling to Him and what He says about me, and what He thinks about me. I want my well to be full-of Him and no one else. I want to be pleasing to Him.

"Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to You, my Lord, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:4

"Without faith it is impossible to please God." Hebrews 11:6 (may I have faith)

 

Knowing

I've been feeling unknown.

There's a difference between knowing a person and knowing a person. For example, I know who Tim Tebow is and all his wonderful stats (wink wink), but I don't know him like I know one of my best friends. I know that when my best friend taps on her nose, she's thinking. Or when, she's really sleepy but still wants to hang out, she gets quiet but insists on still being around. I know when she's flustered. I know when she is trying to hold back tears. I know her favorite things. I know her favorite ice cream. I know her favorite color. I know her walk. I know her sleeping patterns. Ok, ok I'm starting to sound like a psycho stalker, but I'm trying to make a point: I love her and I love her because I know her.

It still saddens me to this day when I think about the men in my past and how uninterested they were in knowing me. Haha, I know that sounds like I'm tootin' my own horn as if I were so amazing or something...what I mean is, their lack of interest in knowing me should have been my clue that I was just another woman in their little black book. I was another person that meant absolutely nothing to them. I was another person who was optional to them and if I was in or out of their life it was nothing to them. They used me.

I want to make this clear: I don't want to sound like EVERYONE you meet should be the spark of deep and endless romantic (or not) relationship. No no no no no! I can tell you that I am quite picky with friends and if after my first "encounter" with you is well, "eh." I'm gonna drop you like yous hot! And, as far as relationships go, I can't be a picky because let's just be honest, it's not like I have a line of suitors waiting their turn in a long line...in fact there is no line! HAHA! Lame.

I dunno, it just sucks when you expect someone to care, and they don't. It sucks when they tell you that they do care, but their actions are the COMPLETE opposite. I mean, why lie? Why give someone the idea that you care for them only for your actions to prove otherwise? When my ex and I were filing out our divorce documents he said, "you know what's sad, I don't even know your middle name..."

I hope I've learned my lesson: people who don't want to know you, Reyna, don't care. Period.

Moving (forward)

So, I just moved into my new apartment. To be honest it's been bittersweet.

First, I'm scared of being lonely. When I left San Diego I moved straight into my sister's house, and was always around my niece, nephew, sister, brother-in-law, dogs and other people. I never got the chance to be lonely (I am beyond grateful to them, by the way. They were pivotal in my healing...I needed all of them). Whereas in my new apartment, I know that I will encounter loneliness.

But why I am scared of being by myself? Ok let's get it straight, its not like I'm sitting in my knickers in the corner of my room shaking with fear. It's more that I am fearful of feeling all the feelings I felt when I was in San Diego. Fearful of feeling the rejection all over again, the extreme sadness all over again, the wave of love that is unrequited...because undoubtedly, I will think of him, and our failed marriage in the quietness of my apartment.

I'll probably also get thoughts of just being alone (note: I am a loner sometimes...go to the movies by myself, shopping by myself, go out to eat by myself, etc.) like, "you're going to have to get used to the silence in here, Reyna." Or, "Too bad Toby (my dog) can't talk." Or, "wish you could cuddle with someone."

"I've been alone," I tell myself. In Oklahoma when I went to college. When I moved into my first apartment...it's not like I haven't been alone-it's more that I haven't been alone since my divorce (which I am healing from).

sigh.

On the positive side, which I am going to try to focus on, I've gained that which I thought was lost (I thought I would never move forward, I don't know why, but I did) and then some. I realize how faithful God has been to me. My apartment is fantastic! It has EVERYTHING that I need (I had a list of must have's and I got it). It's within my budget, and, and!!!! It's on the first floor-Glory hallelujah! lol.

I was able to purchase a new sofa and bed, and I refurbished an old ROUND (I've always wanted a round table) kitchen table that I found online. These things may seem minimal, but to me, they're great. It's my new start. I'm decorating my apartment with no one in mind except myself. I'm buying things that I like. I'm not caring if another person likes it or not, because I like it and it's mine.

I don't want to look back anymore, (if you haven't read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, you should. Lot's (the main character in this story) wife looks back (I imagine longingly and in sadness) as the city is burning, and homegirl turns into a pillar of salt. Which by the way I know I wont turn into a pillar of salt...). I never want to turn back longing for that which brought me such pain and sadness. I never want to turn back and desire a man who never loved me. I want to face forward knowing that bright days are ahead. I want to look forward chin up and proud knowing that as I rely and trust in God He will continue to bless me, and direct my steps. 

"Surely Your goodness and Your unfailing love will follow me all the days of my life. And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:6

May my new home be a refuge to those who are in pain, a fortress to those who are fearful, and a place of peace to those who seek comfort.

Dreaming

This post, or the contents of this post, are first and foremost dedicated to my God. I am the clay, and He is the potter. I am the sapling and wherever He plants me, I will grow deep roots. Whatever He may choose to "prune" from my life, I willing offer.


Secondly, this post is dedicated to my friend, Michael. We have only know each other a few short weeks, and I think we both know that we are in each other's life for a reason; with that in mind, Michael, you are the only person in my life who has asked me to write about my dreams. You are the only person who has questioned how I will rebuild my life from what seems to be so damaging. And since you've pushed me to dream, I will write and wait on the Lord to do as He wills. Michael, I hope that you will believe in my dreams, and know that I believe in you and yours.


Lastly, to my readers, as absurd or far-fetched or ridiculous my dreams may be, believe with me. I may not get everything that I am dreaming and hoping for but realize it wont make me a failure...it's simply that that dream is not ordained for me. So with that, believe with me.


After that intro I don't know where to start ...


I want to be used by God, somehow. Be it that I serve in my church diligently, or that I have a full-time ministry, I want to serve God. This dream isn't very clear simply because I feel that I have talents in other arenas besides "the church." I have a degree in Communications and Industrial Psychology, I love training and development and I especially love motivating people to best that they can be. So, I feel that this dream is a life-long endeavor and will become clearer as I trustingly continue to follow God's path for me.


I want to be a wife...again. I loved being a wife. I loved loving my husband. I loved serving him. I loved encouraging him. I loved listening to him. I loved hugging him. I loved waiting for him. I loved belonging to him and dedicating myself to him and his dreams. 


I want to love again and I want to be the amazing wife (that I know I was) that I am meant to be.


I want a man to romance me and sweep me off my feet. I want a man who is committed for a lifetime, a man who wants to know me, a man who will fight for me and our marriage, a man who will not give up when things are hard or uncomfortable, a man who will work on his flaws, a man who will love me despite my flaws, a man who will put me in my place, a man who will treasure me, a man who will cherish me, a man who will honor me and his vow, a man who will not cheat, a man who will always place me second to God, and a man who will love God more than anything else in this world.


Plus he needs to be a cutie ;)


*And all my single ladies know that the above is a far fetched dream :)


I want to have a really nice big kitchen so that I can make my loved ones food, and where I can store all my treasures.


I want to be a mother. I say I want six kids, but who knows. But I know that I know I want to enjoy the gift of raising children.


I want to own my own coffee shop. I don't know why, how or where, but I've always wanted one, so there ya go.


I want to have a consulting group, where I can work with other consultants, in my field, and help organizations to work efficiently and profitably.


With the above in mind, I want to love what I do. 


I want to sing and play my gui-tar (southern drawl)...again not sure what that encompasses, but I do know that I love being a part of my Praise and Worship team at church.


I want to own my own home, gut it, and remodel it all on my own. (Remember I said I don't know if all of these dreams will come to pass, because I don't think I can lay tile straight, draw a perfect circle, or much less hang cabinetry.  But hey, I'm dreaming). Along with that I want to plant Magnolia trees on my land.


I want to grow my own vegetables. I am actually a good green thumb (one year I grew, onions, cilantro, radishes, lettuce, spinach and broccoli in my apartment, I was and still am very proud).


I want to have chickens (that don't poop or stink) ha!


I want to own a beautiful 1954 Chevy truck...either cherry red or a pale green and white wall tires...fo' sho.


I want to see my mom walking and living her dreams. Gosh I want this one bad...


I want to see my siblings walking and living their dreams.


I want to see all my nieces and nephews go to college, and hopefully I can pay for them to go to school.


I want my best friends to marry the men of their dreams (that God has prepared for them).


I want to be able to hang out with my best friend Ida, all the time.


I want Marissa and her family to move to Tucson (because I'll probably never move back to San Diego).


I want to be debt free, specifically from student loans! Anyone want to help me with this one? :)


I want to go to Egypt, India, Europe, China, Japan, Russia, Alaska and Harry Potter world.


I want to write a book.


And, I want to have joy my whole long life.


What are some of your dreams?

Apologetic

I feel dumb, yet again. I feel immature. I feel stupid, ridiculous, etc...

I hate the flippin' roller coaster that I am on. I hate it. One day I'm a mess, the next I'm cool as a clam.

I'm sitting here at two in the morning writing this because it is weighing so ridiculously heavy on my heart...to the point that my chest is tight, and my eyes are burning from the tears that I want to shed...

First and foremost, sorry to my ex. (I'm positive he wont ever read this, but I will still address it to him). I shouldn't have called you what I called you. Nor should I ignore the fact that you have many qualities that are so beautiful and priceless and other untapped gifts and abilities, that I believe wholeheartedly, are within you.  You are generous beyond anything. You are a great provider. Self-sacrificing and humble. You are diligent and one of the hardest working men I know. You are intelligent and able. You are a diamond in the rough. And like so many of us, with the proper "pressures" the diamond that you are will one day emerge. I believe it!

Secondly, sorry Lord. I sinned in my anger- in my human desire to be justified. I let my imagination run wild with ridiculous thoughts of warts and a shrinking man....I am a child, immature no doubt. I need to let you be God, and I do not need to worry myself about justice, because You are justice. I'm sorry that I desired wrong for my ex, when in all reality I should only desire and pray for his protection, for his well-being, for his health, for his future, for his heart, for his mind, for his family, for him. I'm sorry, Lord.  I'm sorry for harboring unforgiveness and resentment. I'm sorry for dwelling on the offense and not remembering that I too have been an offender. I'm sorry for pointing the finger, when I too deserve that finger. I'm sorry, Lord. Make my heart pure. May my thoughts and meditations be pleasing to you, Lord.

Last, I'm sorry to my readers. You guys are watching as I fail miserably at walking righteously through the hardest experience of my life. I ask that you have mercy, and I ask that you understand that at times it is most definitely my pain doin' the writing. Thank you for remembering that this is merely my side, my perspective of all this...and remember that my ex has his side too...please be gracious to him and try to not make judgements of him based off of my interpretations (not that you guys know him or anything). Thank you for your comments and your encouraging words. I'm sorry that I fail at maintaining a Christian perspective on things...but I guess that makes us all realize how we all fall short. Thank you for walking through this journey with me.

Ahh, I feel better.