Apologetic

I feel dumb, yet again. I feel immature. I feel stupid, ridiculous, etc...

I hate the flippin' roller coaster that I am on. I hate it. One day I'm a mess, the next I'm cool as a clam.

I'm sitting here at two in the morning writing this because it is weighing so ridiculously heavy on my heart...to the point that my chest is tight, and my eyes are burning from the tears that I want to shed...

First and foremost, sorry to my ex. (I'm positive he wont ever read this, but I will still address it to him). I shouldn't have called you what I called you. Nor should I ignore the fact that you have many qualities that are so beautiful and priceless and other untapped gifts and abilities, that I believe wholeheartedly, are within you.  You are generous beyond anything. You are a great provider. Self-sacrificing and humble. You are diligent and one of the hardest working men I know. You are intelligent and able. You are a diamond in the rough. And like so many of us, with the proper "pressures" the diamond that you are will one day emerge. I believe it!

Secondly, sorry Lord. I sinned in my anger- in my human desire to be justified. I let my imagination run wild with ridiculous thoughts of warts and a shrinking man....I am a child, immature no doubt. I need to let you be God, and I do not need to worry myself about justice, because You are justice. I'm sorry that I desired wrong for my ex, when in all reality I should only desire and pray for his protection, for his well-being, for his health, for his future, for his heart, for his mind, for his family, for him. I'm sorry, Lord.  I'm sorry for harboring unforgiveness and resentment. I'm sorry for dwelling on the offense and not remembering that I too have been an offender. I'm sorry for pointing the finger, when I too deserve that finger. I'm sorry, Lord. Make my heart pure. May my thoughts and meditations be pleasing to you, Lord.

Last, I'm sorry to my readers. You guys are watching as I fail miserably at walking righteously through the hardest experience of my life. I ask that you have mercy, and I ask that you understand that at times it is most definitely my pain doin' the writing. Thank you for remembering that this is merely my side, my perspective of all this...and remember that my ex has his side too...please be gracious to him and try to not make judgements of him based off of my interpretations (not that you guys know him or anything). Thank you for your comments and your encouraging words. I'm sorry that I fail at maintaining a Christian perspective on things...but I guess that makes us all realize how we all fall short. Thank you for walking through this journey with me.

Ahh, I feel better.