Surrendering

Surrender: Verb.
1. to cease resistance; give up or hand over a person, right or possession; to abandon oneself entirely.

I surrender. I'm in tears. (when am I not you ask...). My life lately has been a labyrinth: do the right thing, do the wrong thing. Choose my way, choose God's way. And I promise (and those of you who know me, I don't promise anything, my word is my bond. My yes is my yes and my no is my no), every single flippin' time I've done things my way, I have been burned, hurt, stuck my foot in my mouth, and my head in my bum. Every single time. I don't know why I've had such a crazy amount of trials that aren't necessarily huge issues to common folk, but to me, when it has to do with the heart, tis always huge.

I have cried so many tears this week over some desires within my heart. I desire to be an amazing wife. I desire to be a mother. I desire to be someone's treasure. I desire to be known. I desire to be romanced. I desire to be someone's number two (because if God is your numba 1 then your wifey/hubby should be number two). I desire to be successful in my field. I desire to be an average weight and healthy. I desire so so much, but all those desires seem to evade me. The last two I can work at, but the others, I can't...if you think about it. What's that song say: "You can't hurry love, oh you'll just have to wait...you gotta trust, give it time, no matter how long it takes," to which I say: say what homegirl?! Diana Ross' mamma is cray.

So, today as I was driving home from the gym, I realized what I already knew but didn't really know...know what I mean? I realized that in making these desires the object of my life's fulfillment, the source of my joy, I'm making myself sad just desiring when I can be doing other things and being happy-while waiting for God to do things in His perfect timing-not mine. These hopes that I have in my heart-of a bright future, a successful job, a loving husband, wonderful kids, a healthy life aren't what will make me happy. Sure, they add to overall happiness in life, but God is the only one who can make me feel full of genuine joy.

These desires that I have are normal, and God given-but I need to train my thought process into being happy with what I have now and making the best of today. Those things that I desire, when I receive them (because I trust I will receive them one day) merely testify to the love of God in how He provides every perfect gift, in His timing, for our good.

So I surrender my desires. I surrender my heart. I surrender my wants. I abandon myself entirely unto the One who has perfect control over everything that concerns me.

I am grateful for today, and for what I have been given today. I will stop looking at what I don't have, and start being joyful for what I do have.  "I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine"

I love this song, it's the song of my heart :')

1. All to Jesus I surrender;
   All to Him I freely give;
   I will ever love and trust Him,
   In His presence daily live.
   • I surrender all,
     I surrender all;
     All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
     I surrender all.
2. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Humbly at His feet I bow,
   Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
   Take me, Jesus, take me now.
3. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
   Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
   Truly know that Thou art mine.
4. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Lord, I give myself to Thee;
   Fill me with Thy love and power;
   Let Thy blessing fall on me.
5. All to Jesus I surrender;
   Now I feel the sacred flame.
   Oh, the joy of full salvation!
   Glory, glory, to His Name!