So, I just moved into my new apartment. To be honest it's been bittersweet.
First, I'm scared of being lonely. When I left San Diego I moved straight into my sister's house, and was always around my niece, nephew, sister, brother-in-law, dogs and other people. I never got the chance to be lonely (I am beyond grateful to them, by the way. They were pivotal in my healing...I needed all of them). Whereas in my new apartment, I know that I will encounter loneliness.
But why I am scared of being by myself? Ok let's get it straight, its not like I'm sitting in my knickers in the corner of my room shaking with fear. It's more that I am fearful of feeling all the feelings I felt when I was in San Diego. Fearful of feeling the rejection all over again, the extreme sadness all over again, the wave of love that is unrequited...because undoubtedly, I will think of him, and our failed marriage in the quietness of my apartment.
I'll probably also get thoughts of just being alone (note: I am a loner sometimes...go to the movies by myself, shopping by myself, go out to eat by myself, etc.) like, "you're going to have to get used to the silence in here, Reyna." Or, "Too bad Toby (my dog) can't talk." Or, "wish you could cuddle with someone."
"I've been alone," I tell myself. In Oklahoma when I went to college. When I moved into my first apartment...it's not like I haven't been alone-it's more that I haven't been alone since my divorce (which I am healing from).
sigh.
On the positive side, which I am going to try to focus on, I've gained that which I thought was lost (I thought I would never move forward, I don't know why, but I did) and then some. I realize how faithful God has been to me. My apartment is fantastic! It has EVERYTHING that I need (I had a list of must have's and I got it). It's within my budget, and, and!!!! It's on the first floor-Glory hallelujah! lol.
I was able to purchase a new sofa and bed, and I refurbished an old ROUND (I've always wanted a round table) kitchen table that I found online. These things may seem minimal, but to me, they're great. It's my new start. I'm decorating my apartment with no one in mind except myself. I'm buying things that I like. I'm not caring if another person likes it or not, because I like it and it's mine.
I don't want to look back anymore, (if you haven't read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, you should. Lot's (the main character in this story) wife looks back (I imagine longingly and in sadness) as the city is burning, and homegirl turns into a pillar of salt. Which by the way I know I wont turn into a pillar of salt...). I never want to turn back longing for that which brought me such pain and sadness. I never want to turn back and desire a man who never loved me. I want to face forward knowing that bright days are ahead. I want to look forward chin up and proud knowing that as I rely and trust in God He will continue to bless me, and direct my steps.
"Surely Your goodness and Your unfailing love will follow me all the days of my life. And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:6
May my new home be a refuge to those who are in pain, a fortress to those who are fearful, and a place of peace to those who seek comfort.
